Kimberly Fray

japanese cherry trees, flowers, white

GRIEF

The other day I heard two young girls speak on the train on my way home. The one said to the other; “Time heals everything”.

I wanted to speak up and say no, time does not heal everything.

I no longer believe time heals everything. Time allows you to get used to trauma and pain. That, however doesn’t necessarily mean you are healed.

It simply means you’ve learned how to live with what hurt you.

self-care self love

SELF-CARE IS NOT SELFISH

I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day and I didn’t like what I saw. I felt miserable because my clothes didn’t fit right and I realised that I had gained weight. The truth of the matter is, I haven’t been taking care of myself lately; I haven’t been eating properly and I haven’t been giving myself well-deserved self-care.

Growing up, I know we are told not to focus too much on our outer appearance. We are taught that “it’s what inside that counts” I teach my kids the same thing but I’m learning a very important lesson now as an adult that we sometimes forget that it’s what we put inside our bodies that affect our outer appearance. I don’t want to look in the mirror and not like what I see.

I’ve been going through the motions; work, home life, kids and school, working on being a good wife and mother ,and all my other responsibilities but in all of that I’ve neglected myself. I find myself eating more than usual, drinking ample amounts of coffee ,and reaching for chocolate or cake for no reason other than comfort. Feeling sick, nauseous ,and weak has become the norm and my headaches are relentless. The worst part is, I am always and I mean always, tired.

I think the last time I had a proper self-care day was three months ago for our wedding and that wasn’t something I did for myself. Other people did it for me.

Self-care should be something we prioritise often. It should be a part of our lifestyle.

Self care can come in many different ways:

  • Getting your hair and nails done
  • Going shopping and buying yourself something that you’ve wanted for some time
  • Taking a break from work
  • Going on a short holiday away from your usual surroundings
  • Taking a break from social media
  • Spending time by yourself
  • Spending time in prayer or meditation

SELF REFLECTION

All these things can help bring you back toward yourself. We can’t take care of others if we’re not taking care of ourselves. You can’t give from an empty cup.

You’re scraping from the bottom of the barrel and giving yourself and your loved ones, your work ,and your business less than what they deserve. Less than what you deserve.

It’s okay to step back and reflect on your life. You can say no to another project or event. It’s okay to put yourself first. Sometimes, it’s required.

When I was standing before the mirror the other day, I looked around me and the house was a mess. I felt completely overwhelmed by everything that I burst into tears. It was tears of exhaustion. I hardly have the energy to take care of myself let alone the house but somehow I still find myself cleaning and cooking but I’m doing it from an empty cup. I’m scraping from the bottom of the barrel.

Reflecting on all of this has felt like a very honest conversation I’ve had to have with myself about how I’m treating myself and my body, my mind ,and spirit. I want to experience holistic health and the truth is, the mind, body ,and spirit are all connected. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. My family and career and all my responsibilities keep my life full and exciting. I see the growth in all the areas of my life, the problem is, I can’t seem to keep up with it.

If I don’t take care of the one, all the others will be out of sync. My family, career ,and business cannot thrive if I am not at my best.

MAKING THE EFFORT

As I said before, self-care has to become a part of my life. It is a daily habit that has to be learned through repetition. I now have to learn to take care of my body and my overall health. I understand now that self-care is simply doing things that will improve my mental state, everything else will flow from there. Below is a great list of how to practice self-care.

Remember, self-care is self love!

sunrise, boat, rowing boat

STEPPING DIFFERENTLY THROUGH PURPOSE

You step differently when you walk in your purpose.
You feel stronger and more confident. You know that when you have challenges, you are ready to face them and you don’t let it get you down because you know it is all part of the plan.

Your spirit is calm and your soul is at peace because you know and believe that where you are is all part of God’s calling for your life.

You become kinder and more compassionate.
You are filled with understanding and you are not led by your feelings but by your spirit.
You don’t go where the world goes.
You understand the importance of being patient and walking your road alone with God as your only companion.

I love this feeling that I am experiencing; I am confident in the grace and glory that God has placed over me.
It took me a long time to get here and I know I am only in the beginning stages but I am trusting the process.
I am not trying to be in control, I am letting God work and the weight that it takes off my shoulders is magnificent.

When I look back on my life, I am grateful that I submitted and surrendered.

I smile now and my smile is genuine.
When I feel tired, I know where to turn.
When I feel lost and confused, I turn to the Word.

I am walking in my purpose and I know what is coming next will be more challenging and it will test me but I am ready because I walk with God.

That glow that you see is not good skin or good health.
That glow is the light of God that shines in me and through me.

sequoia, forest, redwood

EVERGREEN

Tall and strong my soul
Is firmly planted in the soil
On which you stand.
Green and lush my leaves
Dance to Mother Nature’s lullaby
As I feed the meagre creature that
Scurries on the surface of the earth,
While you produce pulp and paper for
Your fiction.
Speak to me! I live!
As I give you the very breath of life
You breathe.
Lavender and lilies and olives and willows
Placed here by Him who reigns
Higher than my majestic reach.
And even when the winds blow and the
Seas are rampant
I know that my soul in the soil
Is evergreen.
Evergreen.
Evergreen.

baby feet, heart, love

OH BABY!

Little one,
From the womb whence you came,
Only to be discarded on the side of the road.
Oh, baby!
Wrapped in plastic,
Near the stench of a filthy rubbish bin.
Accompanied not by warm hands and inviting smiles,
Instead, you’re surrounded by
Rotten food and hungry wolves.


Oh, baby!
Your cries drown out the screams
As she forces you out,
Two months premature.
She doesn’t want to remember
the day that you were created
in a night of heated passion.
Your sweet face and soft skin
Make her skin crawl.


Oh, baby!
She blames you for the loss of his love
And punishes you,
Gets rid of you,
Like yesterday’s trash.
A one night stand,
Mistaken for a love of a lifetime,
Resulting in 9 months of responsibility.
A lifetime responsibility.


Oh, baby!
Your little body; hands and feet,
Blue in the cold night,
Unaware of the love that awaits you
From a barren mother who craves you
Who wishes for you,
Prays for you.
Your sweet scent,
Your ten fingers and
Ten toes.
Oh, sweetheart
Covered in blood,
The only tie to your previous life,
Is the cord that binds itself around your tiny
Neck.


Oh, baby!
Please hold on!
Someone is coming.
Oh, baby!
You are wanted
and needed.
You are a source of joy and laughter.
Your precious life is a gift from the heavens.
Oh, baby!
Please hold on!
That yellowed grass patch might be your beginning
But
It is certainly not your end.



write, create, art

A NEED TO LIVE LIFE AND CREATE

A DESPERATE NEED

I need to create and leave something behind that will live long after I’m gone.

I don’t want to lie on my deathbed one day and have so many regrets that I can be buried underneath it.

My purpose is to create something out of nothing,

To fill blank pages with my sorrows, worries, and fears and turn them into something beautiful to share with others.

In this way, I connect with others.

This is why I create, why I need to write. It is why my life needs to be an open book.

There is a need to build a bridge between my fears and another’s loneliness,

To leave breadcrumbs in the form of poetry and stories so that someone else can find their way and their voice.

Sharing my life gives another person the courage to be brave enough to share their own story.

This is my calling.

FULLFILLING MY PURPOSE

Every day that passes that I do not write, express or create, feels truly wasted. On those days I feel as if I’ve betrayed my calling. I feel as if I have wasted an entire day not living as I truly should be living.

I feel as if I did not live at all.

Even when I’ve tried to avoid it or ignore it or tell myself that it wasn’t important, there is always this nagging feeling inside of me, tugging at me, pushing me in a direction.

It is a futile feat trying to turn my back on it; I am an artist. I am creative.

You may not always understand what I create, you may not always enjoy what I share and you may even mock me and laugh at me, but that will only encourage me more.

This is not just a calling but it is also a responsibility.

Writing is an art; the blank page is my canvas, words are my paint and the world and this life is my muse.

What you finally see before you; is my work of art.

My gift to you.

woman, lady, pretty

LIVING WITH IMPOSTER SYNDROME

I came across this term last year, I think. If I’m honest, I’ve never heard of it before coming across the post that referenced it and I just ignored it. I then saw someone on Twitter explaining how imposter syndrome has kept them back from fulfilling their potential and I started to do some research.

Turns out, I have had my fair share of imposter syndrome.

WHAT IS IMPOSTER SYNDROME?

Imposter syndrome is defined as not believing you are as competent / able as others believe or perceive you to be. Its basically an internal belief that you have about yourself that tells you, you are not good enough. Imposter syndrome relates to your intelligence, achievements, perfectionism and social context.

One definition defines IS as you feeling like a fraud within a certain context you find yourself in; whether it be in your job or social circle.

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

When I read these various definitions and explanations about IS, I realized that this is something that I have been struggling with. It seems the reason for my lack of content of late could be attributed to me feeling as if my writing is not good enough. I always see other bloggers and I see their content and always ask myself, “What am I doing?”

I always hesitate when I am writing or when I get to the point where I have to hit publish because I don’t feel as if I deserve to be published or I don’t deserve that my work be read. Many people have complimented my work and have told me how they have been inspired by what I write and even though I’ve been published on several platforms, I still don’t believe I am good enough.

There are so many times when I thought to myself that I am a fraud or a phony when it comes to being a writer. This thought or belief I’ve had and sometimes still have about myself has held me back for so long and caused me to miss so many opportunities. I realised recently that because of this fear or belief I have that I am not good enough, I have been slacking on my writing and my ability to push out content has wavered.

CHARACTERISTICS OF IMPOSTER SYNDROME

An article by Arlin Cuncic on verywellmind.com lists the following traits of IS:

–  Self-doubt

–  An inability to assess your competence or skills

–  Attributing your success to outside factors eg luck

–  Berating your performance

–  Fearing that you won’t live up to expectations

–  Overachieving

–  Sabotaging your own success

–  Setting difficult and challenging goals and feeling disappointed when you don’t achieve it

alone man person sadness
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Imposter syndrome is such a deep poison within in your thought patterns that you start believing you can’t do the things you are certainly capable of doing. Things that you are actually an expert in. You start doubting yourself so much that you block yourself from even trying. You end up doing the bare minimum because you tell yourself, “Why should I even try if I’m going to fail anyway?”

Imposter syndrome is an internalized fear that you cannot do what you are skilled and qualified to do.

WAYS TO GET OUT OF IMPOSTER SYNDROME

  • Talk about what you’re feeling to someone you trust.
  • Understand the difference between feelings and fact.
  • Work on emphasizing the positives.
  • Develop a healthy way to deal with failure.
  • Visualise your success
  • Speak more positively to yourself.
  • Reward yourself.
  • Be kind to yourself.
  • Understand that you can’t be perfect.
  • Say yes to opportunities.
board, school, self confidence

If you want more practical ways of getting over imposter syndrome, check out the TEDTalk by Valerie Young below:

wedding, marriage, husband

PURSUING A KINGDOM MARRIAGE

PART 2 – LOVE IS SACRIFICE

God’s love is sacrifice. The most obvious and clear example of that sacrificial love is God giving His only son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for our sins. Jesus was God’s ultimate sacrifice, and still today Jesus continues to be a sacrifice for us because He continues to take our sins upon himself.  That is how much Jesus loves us. He thinks of us first before he considers himself.

In Philippians 2 vs 3 Paul says the following:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves”

I love this verse because it makes things clear; don’t do anything out of selfish desires and humble yourself by thinking of others more important or significant than yourself.

Think of others first. Put others first. Don’t be selfish or do anything out of selfish motives.

That is how God loves us, and that is how we should love one another.

Marriage and love is putting another person’s needs before your own.

“the root of the word “sacrifice”. “Sacrifice” comes from Latin, which means, “to make holy.” The ultimate act of love is to sacrifice for another. In sacrificing for another we are actually sanctifying our soul. When the sacrament of marriage is lived according to God’s plan, spouses are daily challenged to make sacrifices for the sake of their beloved. God designed marriage as a means of growing in holiness with the ultimate goal of helping our spouse get to Heaven.”

Marriage shouldn’t be entered into with the mindset of “I’ll do this if you do that” It’s not a take-take situation. It’s all about giving.

In the Kingdom Marriage plan that I am following. The writer says the following:

marriage, wedding, rings

“One reason so many couples turn in their rings (get divorced) is because they view marriage as a contract. A contract is a conditional agreement between two or more persons signifying that all parties will do something. Contracts get made for limited periods of time and are based on “if, then” statements. “If they do this, then I’ll do that” People enter into contracts because of what they’ll get out of them.”

MARRIAGE IS A COVENANT

What I’ve learned over the past 2 months of being married is that marriage is not a contract. It is a covenant. The same covenant you enter into when you choose God as your Lord and saviour is the same covenant you enter into when you choose your partner for life. We say vows when we get married and we say them before God.

The author of the plan says:

“A covenant is a divinely created bond meaning it is permanent. It has rules, responsibilities and benefits. Covenants are intimate relationships initiated for the benefit of the other person. In it, the good of the relationship takes precedence over the needs of the individual. This is why covenants make unconditional promises. Basically, it’s where God makes something official in the spiritual realm to be lived out in the physical world. After all, the wedding vows are made “before God” and therefore with God as well as the spouse. To break the covenant with your spouse is to break it with God. “

When you and your spouse are both going into the marriage with the mindset of “I will put you first” both of you will benefit. Marriage cannot and should not be a selfish act.

marriage, sacrifice, love
Jared and myself on our wedding day

I love my husband, knowing and understanding that he is God’s child. I love him in a way that’s not suffocating but that gives him the freedom to grow as a man, husband, and father, in all areas of his life. Wanting him to succeed is one of the many reasons I pray for him all the time, more than I do for myself. I truly want to make him happy. I know he wants the same for me. The reason I know this is because we talk about it all the time. Both of us want to make the other happy and that makes us happy and brings us joy. I know when Jared is happy, I feel happy, and I know it’s the same for him.

Jared’s love for me is sacrificial because he always puts my needs before his own, but as his wife, I also need to understand when I have to give more than I take, and that can make all the difference in a marriage.

GOD IS LOVE.

To close, I want to remind you that love is from God. God is love. Loving God means loving people. Loving and accepting your spouse means loving and accepting Jesus.

Let God’s love be the anchor which holds your marriage down.

To read part 1 of this series, click here.

To follow the Kingdom marriage plan, click here.

roses, heart, you are always in my heart

10 LESSONS I LEARNED FROM MY MOTHER

This will be my first Mother’s Day without my mom. In her honour, I’d like to share only 10 of the many lessons I learnt from her.

1. Always ask questions and never accept anything at face value. 

My mother always asked questions. When she didn’t understand something, you would have to explain it to her until she understood. She didn’t just accept any old answer and she would dig and dig until it made sense. I remember several occasions when we would be in the bank and she would struggle with one of the bank tellers to explain something to her until she could understand it well enough. It wasn’t always pleasant.

2. Always cook enough food. You never know who will knock at your door.

My mother had this thing about always making sure there was bread in the house. When I asked her about it once, she said you never know who will be coming to your door with an empty stomach or she would say, if someone hungry comes to your door, at least you can give them bread. She loved cooking for her family and she always made more than enough. She loved it when we enjoyed her food (which we always did) and she loved the fellowship it created.

3. Always feed your family before you eat. 

Food was my mother’s love language and she always made sure we dished up first before she did. Something else I fondly remember about her was that there was always food left and she would first ask if we wanted it before she ate.

mother, grandmothr, daughter, mother's day
My mother, my daughter and myself.

4. Make sure there’s desert on Sundays.

My mom had a sweet tooth all her life and she loved fresh cream cake. It was her philosophy that there had to be cake or some kind of desert on a Sunday after lunch. There would be times when she would sadly say, “I can’t believe there is no cake today” . She would always have some sort of candy or chocolate in her handbag and her grandchildren loved that. She was a fantastic grandmother.

5. Know how to count your money. 

My mother was good with math and she always had to make sure she knew exactly where her money was going. Every cent of it. She would use old school calculators and write everything down. She religiously made grocery lists every time she went to the shop and she would do several sums until her books balanced.

6. Keep records of everything. 

This was very important to her. My mom wrote everything down. She was always afraid she might forget something. She left behind a big black suitcase with tons of documents in it. Her purse was always full of slips and papers with notes. She would even write down things my kids would say to her during the day so that she can tell it to me when I got off work.

7. Don’t be a push-over.

My mother was not a push-over. She never let anyone walk all over her and on several occasions she would tell me the same. She always told me to stand up for myself and never let people take advantage of me.

8. Always be kind.

My mom was a kind woman. She was always generous, whether with money, food or her time. She would listen to people as they spoke and she always offered advice.

mother, children, mothers day
My mom and 3 of her children. We are five in total.

9. Dance at every possible opportunity that you get. 

There is this one memory that I’m sure my siblings and I share. It was on a Sunday and we came home from church. When we walked past one of the windows, we saw our mother in the kitchen cooking and dancing while she did. She looked so happy and free and she was in her element. We all just stood there, watching her through the window, dancing. That is one memory I’ll never forget.

10. Don’t sleep in and always make your bed. 

The first thing my mother always did when she woke up was make her bed. Before she passed, she was teaching my daughter how to make the bed. I’ll be honest, I’m not as diligent as my mother was with making my bed.

There are many other lessons I learnt from my mother. Lessons she didn’t always know she was teaching me and lessons I didn’t always want to learn at the time.

flower, rose, love

DEAR MOTHER

I often think of the days that I use to perch on your lap
And grab you around your neck
And kiss your aging cheeks.


I often wonder if I will ever be able to do that again.
The chasm between us seems to have become so relentless
That I often wonder if we’ll ever be able to cross it.


Mother, ma as I know you,
I sometimes think back to when we use to be
Best friends, I was the envy of my siblings
As you always had my back.
Now I look back and see the strays of memories
We have left behind.


I see you, you’re getting older.
You have a limp
And the 60 years that our Father has granted you
Is starting to show.


I remember watching you sit
At the window in our small flat
Writing down random numbers;
Maybe it was the dates of the births of all your children,
Even the ones you never saw growing up.
Or maybe how many times your heart was broken.
Or was it the number of times you cried?


Now you don’t count anymore,
You just stare ahead, waiting for the
End of each day.
Maybe the dates and numbers and opportunities
That you never had have all lost their meaning.


You turned into a sad and helpless creature
Right before my eyes
It made me feel sad and helpless for
Not knowing how to reach out.


Dear mother,
My arrogance and pride has prevented me
From coming to you and telling you
That I miss your bear-like embrace.
It has put a wall up in the
Middle of our home
As we pass one another
During the day
Like strangers at night.


We hardly say a word to another
And when we do, its
Laced with irritations and criticism.


Mother, I am sorry
For being too big for my shoes and
Forgetting that you too
Are leaving shoes that no one
Will ever be able to fill.