i give you this rose,
hand-picked for
you alone
as soft as it is scented
its nestled in the palms of
these hands that will
hold you
protect you
love you
forever
petals imperfect
beautifully designed
like precious jewels
i hand you this gift
in exchange for your heart
as you carefully reach out
i say a silent prayer;
that even when this
beautiful rose may
whither and perish
that our union
may not.
Death is so sudden. We never know when it’s going to visit us. Whether directly or indirectly.
I was watching a video of someone who had just lost a loved one and he said that it was so sudden, no one expected this person to die. He had spoken to this person just the day before and there was no indication of sickness whatsoever and now she was gone.
Even when we know someone is at the end of their life, whether by old age or illness, we can’t always accept that they are about to leave us. And once they do, that void left behind is so palpable, so tangible.
So many people are experiencing loss lately. I see it everywhere.
I work in news and I see death on a daily basis. At times, I feel a bit disensititized and then I have to remind myself, that someone has lost a loved one and that it could have easily been me in that situation.
It’s strange though, before I lost my mother in 2020, I didn’t understand death or its impact but now, it’s as if I can feel everyone’s pain, everyone’s grief because it reminds me of my own.
Isn’t funny though, how something like death can be the thread that connects us?
Life is short and death is sudden. I don’t think we realize that any day can be our last. We are busy making plans for tomorrow but don’t know if tomorrow is on our calendar.
We haven’t accepted it. Our human minds can’t comprehend it.
I was watching a show and one of the characters delivered the following line:
“All we can do is the best we can with the time that is given to us”
We’ve all heard the saying, ‘Live each day as if it’s your last’
but what if we lived each day as if it were our first?
Full of wonder and curiosity and joy, love and gratitude. Untainted by heartache, pain, loss, grief, anger, hate or unforgiveness.
But rather as if we’re experiencing the world for the very first time.
With a gentle approach, an open mind, and a receiving heart.
We don’t know when our last day on earth will be.
All we have is today. You can choose how you spend it.
There are many things I wish I could have said to my mother before she died and sadly, we only realize these things afterwards but we still have many other loved ones we can cherish and appreciate.
Don’t waste it. Be kind, loving gentle, and compassionate.
Be good.
Our behavior and actions are all we can control.
Death is out of our hands. How we live our life that has been gifted to us is all we have.
I still love sad poetry.
I love to know that hearts are still able to heal after suffering.
It brings me comfort to know that loneliness doesn’t last.
I smile when I think Spring comes after Winter,
and the sun still rises in the morning.
I still love sad poetry.
It brings me hope when days are long and nights are cold.
I still believe in new beginnings when I read stanzas of tears on a page, and I see broken hearts in the smiles of strangers.
I still love sad poetry.
I still write sad poetry.
It makes me feel, and it makes me think,
and it helps me remember the days when I wasn’t sad.
Sweet girl,
You will have your heart broken.
It is unavoidable. It is part of life.
It will feel like your world collapses and you cannot stop it.
It will feel as if the sun disappeared and the stars vanished.
Everything will lose its colour, and food will no longer be appetizing.
Music will be your only comfort, and melancholy will blanket you.
You will feel pain so palpable that you never thought possible.
You will cry rivers of sadness that will be unstoppable, breaking against the tides of your childhood dreams.
I look at your sweet face and dread the day it happens.
But,
I also welcome that day.
Because that will be your day of recognition, and it will be the day you are tested.
Your willpower and resilience will show, and you will discover your strength.
You will learn to rebuild all you have lost and what has been taken from you.
My darling,
Your first heartbreak will be the first day of the rest of your life.
Do not be afraid, my love.
Be brave and be strong.
And always forgive.
Not just them,
But yourself.
I am writing you this to prepare you, but the truth is no preparation could ever make you ready for the day it happens.
When it does happen, mourn for what you lost,
But come back and try again.
For love is a beautiful experience,
And deserves a second chance,
And a third,
And a fourth.
Do not fear love.
Please do not shy away from it.
Do not curse love.
Do not take advantage of love.
And always remember;
To guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Yesterday I met a woman.
This woman was me in many ways, except for the reasons she wasn’t.
She was a woman who had to survive many painful obstacles; prostitution, abandonment, unemployment, living on the streets, and many other social ills.
Our struggles differ, but our desire to overcome them is the same.
I saw something in her: a stranger I have never met before and will probably never meet again.
I saw a fighting spirit.
Things I thought I had lost in myself, but her yellow-stained eyes reflected it when I looked at her.
This woman stood before me with joy, a smile, and hope in her heart.
Like many others, she had to sacrifice a part of herself to get through life and reach this point, where she stood in front of me with a smile so broad I couldn’t help but smile too.
She speaks about the life she used to live without shame and her life now with pride. She embraces every challenge she has endured to get to where she is today.
We don’t share the same skin colour or the same mother tongue.
We don’t have the same economic standing or have the same employment status.
We don’t enjoy the same opportunities or possibilities nor are we the same age or grew up the same way.
The spirit of a warrior woman, one who doesn’t give up.
One who doesn’t have much but still gives.
Someone who doesn’t know it all but continues to learn.
This woman that I met yesterday;
A mother
A sister
A wife
A friend
A loved one.
This woman is me.
This woman is you.
She is all of us.
This post was orginally written and published in June 2018
It’s going to hurt until it no longer does.
It’s going to tear at you and pull you apart
Until you learn to put yourself together again.
Eventually all this will just become a distant memory.
Eventually the pain will disappear.
Your hands will stop shaking.
You will breathe again.
Eventually
You’ll stop searching and start appreciating.
You’ll stop waiting and wishing.
You’ll stop regretting and start living.
Eventually you’ll stop blaming yourself and start forgiving yourself,
Eventually.
It might not happen today.
But it’ll happen,
Eventually.
I used to sit on my mother’s lap
Out on the balcony
Watching cars go by
Talking about nothing and everything
She used to stroke my hair
With her aging hands
Or clean my ears with a bobby pin
I could have sat there for hours
I miss being her child
Her youngest daughter
My sisters would tease me, saying I’m spoilt
And her favourite
I would frown, scrunch my nose at them but
Really,
It brought me pure joy
Now I am a motherless daughter
With a daughter of my own
Needing my mother
more than I ever could have ever known
I miss her
I miss my mother every day
I swallow tears and try to ignore the lump
In my throat
Sitting there like a constant reminder of what I lost
I guess it is true what they say
Grief never leaves you
You don’t outgrow it
You simply grow around it.
Sitting in what they call a comfort room after 8 in the morning
I’m watching the door to the theatre
Watching the clock
The comfort room brings little comfort
It’s cold and a lone window is before me covered in blinds
The wall covered in words such as
Harmonious
Healed
Natural
Marvellous
Free
Safe
Happy
Peaceful
Healing
Aware
Conscious
Healthy
All words meant to bring comfort but the irony
Does not miss me
It’s quiet sitting here
Save for the sounds of the machines somewhere in the hospital
And the wheels on the cold tile floors
I feel far away from him
Not knowing what is happening behind that closed theatre door
It holds my heart
And I am locked out of it
I don’t have the access or the authorisation
I watch the door like a predator stalking its prey
Waiting to pounce the minute I see him being wheeled out that room
To take his hands in mine
Kiss his lips
To see his eyes see mine
The only comfort this empty room brings
Is the chance to be with my own thoughts
To allow my inner turmoil to run free and
Keep me company during this time
I fear looking away from the door
I fear I might miss him and never see him again.
To the woman sitting alone in her empty house
Full of memories and mementos, wondering where it all went wrong,
I was you.
To the young girl crying her eyes out in the office bathroom, staring at herself
In the mirror, not recognizing the person staring back at her
With bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks,
I understand.
To the tired mother, using her last strength to dress and feed and play with her kids
When she hasn’t eaten or had a decent shower in days,
I have been there.
To the friend that needs comforting and can’t control the tears from flowing,
Feeling as if everything is falling apart,
You will be okay.
It doesn’t matter how strong you feel you need to be or how tired you are and
How many times you need to start over, I want you to know that
This too shall pass.
