Kimberly Fray

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Lessons in life will be taught, until they are learned.

Recently, my phone reset back to factory settings; I lost all my apps, my contacts, my photos, videos, my notes I made on my notepad, everything. The phone was completely emptied of anything that has ever represented me or anything to show who I am, what I hold dear and what I love and enjoy.
Everything was gone.

Naturally, I was upset. How could years of data simply disappear without warning? I thought to myself, why does this have to happen to me?

Then it hit me.

You see, my phone and everything that was ever on it, was basically a part of me. I always have my phone in my hands. I have it on my side table next to our bed. I have it in hand when I go anywhere and everywhere. I am always scrolling on social media and my head is always down, looking at this small screen in my hand.
My phone was my Bible.

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It was during the hours that my phone was formatted and it was off; I had time to think and God was speaking to me – He basically told me in no uncertain terms, there will be no other gods before Him.

My phone was the one thing that I could not live without and if you read my previous blog post, you’d know that I have been struggling spiritually – I haven’t been able to read my Bible, to speak to God or just simply experience the Holy Spirit.

And now my phone basically crashes and I come to the realisation that I have been prioritising everything else above Jesus. I have been worshipping my phone, social media and everything else that comes with having this device.

The reason that I have been struggling in my relationship with God is simply because I have turned my back on Him and I have put other things before Him.

You might be reading this and rolling your eyes and thinking, ‘not another life lesson’ – that’s probably what I would do if I didn’t believe that God uses every opportunity and every experience to show Himself.  This is what I know to be true and I know that anything that takes the place of Jesus in your life, is another form of worship- whether its your phone, your friends, your job or career. If God doesn’t take priority in your life, if He is not at the center of everything, that message will be made clear to you in some way, shape or form.

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I have been making the mistake of picking up my phone in the morning, before I even open up my Bible. I like and laugh at videos on social media, before I even write or share something from the Bible. I read other people’s stories but don’t share my own testimony and truth be told, I have so much to share.

A very powerful message that I heard in church today, that reminded me about my purpose on this earth as a child of God, is to feed people with faith, hope and love and to be witness of God’s work in my life.

This is what I am doing by writing and sharing this post. I am testifying about what God has done for me over the past day and I hope to instill in you a sense of faith that God will show up for you exactly when you need it and hope that it doesn’t matter how far you fall, Jesus is always there. He is exactly where you left him, that as a child of God, He will always be there to guide you, to correct you and to lead you onto the right path. And the knowledge, that nothing, absolutely nothing, can separate us from the love of God.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

So here I am now, back to the start. Back to my own factory settings, hoping to work on filling my life with more of God and less of me.

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God works in mysterious ways.
I have been going through a season where I’ve been experiencing a spiritual drought; I’ve been struggling to pray. I haven’t read my Bible, I haven’t been speaking to God, and I haven’t been able to listen to worship music – I’ve been struggling and feeling so guilty. It’s been going on for weeks, but some light came through the darkness today.
I went to church this morning, even though, at some point, I told myself I didn’t want to go.
Remember how I said I haven’t been able to pray? Well, today, I prayed, and I cried.
But let me start at our praise and worship rehearsal earlier in the week, on Thursday. I wasn’t myself; I couldn’t worship sincerely, and my heart, soul, and spirit weren’t there. Then, my husband asked me to pray at the rehearsal, which I did, but I wasn’t entirely in it. Now to Sunday, today—I was asked to pray at our pre-service prayer, and then I was asked to pray again when the actual service started to open.
I almost found it comical, but I knew God was working. He put me in a public place where I had to pray for others and made me realize it wasn’t about me. The people who came to the service this morning needed a touch from Jesus, myself included, and the Lord gave me that by putting me in a position where I had to pray for others.
It all brought me to tears throughout the entire Sunday service. At some point, I was on my knees, simply giving thanks to God for working in my life, bringing me back to His throne, and helping me find my way back to Him.
I am not 100% okay yet, but the walls are definitely coming down. For now, for today, this is my testimony about what God did in my life today, and I am truly grateful.

PS: I have also been battling with my writing and my creativity. This is the first blog post I’ve shared in weeks, and I credit it all to Jesus. Another thing I am grateful for.

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I did the one thing I’ve always wanted to do but it was also the one thing I was most afraid of doing and guess what? nothing happened. This is what I discovered when I recently published my first book. I’ve been holding on to the idea of being a published author, to have a book out in public and have people read it and now it is out there. I’ve conquered that fear and nothing happened.

There is nothing on the other side of fear; just life moving on swiftly. Children still need to go to school, dinner still has to be cooked, work still has to be done, laundry still has to be folded, the weather changes every other day. The sun rises and the sun sets and through all this, that one thing that you’ve been afraid to do, that one thing, and let’s be honest, not many people care about, is holding you hostage. So what do you do?

You do the one thing you’re afraid of doing and move on. Because in truth, the only one who you are truly afraid of judging you or criticizing you, is you.

We are our own true enemies of progress.

If I think about it and maybe I am only speaking for myself but maybe we are not afraid of doing the thing that we are afraid of doing; publishing the book, releasing the song, traveling to that place or whatever it is that is keeping you hostage. Maybe we are afraid of making ourselves visible, telling and showing the world, “Hey, I’m out here!” because once you are out there, once you release something or do something or say something, there is a certain pressure on you to keep doing it. To keep delivering and what if you can’t deliver again? What then?

Who are we?

But the thing is, you are still you, you can still do it and you can do it again and again. Once you do it the first time, I suspect it gets easier from there. I’m not saying I will never feel fear again or that I won’t be afraid to try new things again, I’m simply saying that once you get on the other side of it, you’ll see it wasn’t so scary after all.

So here is my advice; do the thing you are most afraid of doing. Once you jump off that metaphorical cliff, you’ll realise you were actually just two feet from the ground.

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I have decided to set some goals for myself which I’ve dubbed Soul Goals. These are the goals that will feed my soul and my spirit and create inner peace and healing. I think as much as we want external success in terms of our careers and families and financial state, having inner success is much more important and can actually contribute to the external goals and successes. I think there is also less pressure to showcase these soul goals but its equally important that you work on it every single day.

One way I have found to work on it, is to journal; to write down everything about my day. The good and the bad and see where I’ve achieved these special goals.

So here are a few of my personal soul goals. I will probably add to it as time goes on.

  • Be present in every moment and take in everything around you; the sun, sky, flowers, sounds and smells
  • Listen more intently
  • Be more loving
  • Be kinder
  • Visit new places
  • Be more positive
  • Journal more
  • Spend more time in God’s presence
  • Write and read more poetry
  • Rest when necessary
  • Take more pictures and more videos
  • Take more walks
  • Appreciate every single day, find the good in every day
  • Forgive yourself
  • Smile more; at loved ones and at strangers
  • Play more games
  • Appreciate your own physical self; take care of your health
  • Love yourself – You are wonderfully and fearfully made
  • Let go of the guilt
  • Don’t be afraid to enjoy yourself and doing things that you enjoy
  • Stop rushing through every day, walk slower, breath slower

These might seem insignificant when others have bigger goals of buying cars and homes and growing in their careers, which are all amazing and I too have some of those goals but I have felt lately that I have neglected my inner being, my inner child and I’m hoping by working on these soul goals, I will be able to achieve more peace within my spirit and take care of the inner self.

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I don’t want to pretend that I am not exhausted or that my body doesn’t feel like it is giving in. I’ve had a very long year but, at the same time, a very short year. There have been some disappointments, heartaches, and frustrating moments throughout this year, and it has all come to a head and I don’t want to undermine the fact that it has been overwhelming. I don’t want to fake excitement going into the new year; I don’t want to pretend that I have it all figured out. I am exhausted and I don’t have a solid plan yet. I simply don’t have the energy.
Many of us are struggling with the same thing. Still, we have created this culture of having to be so up and ready for the new year. To be excited, make resolutions and goals for the new year, the next phase of our lives, but I’m sure that it is okay to go into the new year in the current phase or state that you’re in.
If you are tired, sad, exhausted, frustrated, or feeling a myriad of emotions, there is genuinely no pressure for you to get rid of it before the clock strikes 12 on January 1st. There is no pressure. God will still be there on the other side. He will still be there to help you get through it. Whether that is now or next year, it’s okay to go into the new year feeling like you do.


Just as you enter the new year, give it all to God and leave it all in His hands. He requires us to not lean on our understanding or rushing to plan our lives to a T and write down goals. Don’t get me wrong, I am not discouraging planning your life or your year. If you don’t achieve or haven’t completed all you set out to do, it’s okay.

Don’t carry that disappointment of unachieved goals so heavily that you crucify yourself and feel completely hopeless. There is still hope for those who have reached our limits and are running on empty.
I have rested, spent a few days with family, lazed around, laughed, and played games, but I’m still tired. Not all of my exhaustion suddenly disappeared, and not all of my ill feelings have been dealt with, which is fine.
I hope you can enter the new year, knowing that whatever you feel, it is okay to feel that way. There is no pressure to do things immediately and hurriedly. There is a quote I love that says;

“I may not know what my future holds but I do know who holds my future”
You’ve done your best; now let God do the rest.

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Have you ever had someone look at you
Like you were the sun?
Beautiful and fiery.
Passionate and addictive.
Our love was fast and hard.
Explosive and tender.
It erased who we thought we were and made us new.
It made us one.
It connected us, vessel to vessel.
I am reaching out, and I fit perfectly.
I think of him, and I no longer feel alone.
We are one. I am a part of him, and he is a part of me.
Not only through physical intimacy,
but our souls, our minds and our hearts
embedded onto the blueprint of the other.
Although a comfortable pace and routine remain now,
the fire still burns.
I feel it. I know he does, too.
I don’t need him to live and breathe.
He breathes life into my spirit.
He does not define me.
My heart’s love for him is defined by who he is.
Knowing he is living and breathing on this planet,
even apart, makes me feel safe.
It makes me feel that all is right in this world.
He is the moon to my stars.
The sky to my sun.
Magnificent apart
Exceptionally wonderful together.


I miss my mother and I think I’ve missed her the most this year, this is excluding the year she died. I think it’s because so many big things have happened to me and our family during the last 3 years since her death and there is just something about the number three that brings things together or bringing everything into completion and maybe that’s why I miss her so much this year. More so now that the year is coming to an end. It’s like I’ve experienced a trinity of grief and joy and success and exhaustion to the point where I just want my mother’s embrace but I can’t have it. I can’t go to my mother and release my tension. I can’t have her stroke my head or lay on her lap or hear her voice. These are all things I’ve desperately needed over the last few years and I’ve been deprived and it hurts. It will probably always ache as I continue to grow and evolve as a person.

In the last three years I got married, started a business with my husband, got promoted, performed on two big stages, acted in a short movie, did an interview on radio, performed a poem on live television, cut my hair, gained weight, moved homes three times, started a podcast, joined ministries at church, discussed one of my poems with a group of strangers, opened up about sexual abuse, cried, laughed, screamed, hurt, felt incredible joy and debilitating exhaustion…so much has happened and yet it feels not enough has happened…and all I’ve mostly wanted during all of this was my mother and to be a child again.

We don’t always realise that we still live with the grief long after we have experienced the loss. It hits us at the most inopportune times and its not something that ever disappears. No one person’s grief experience is the same and its unfair to compare it. The only thing to do is to remember we are all hurting, we are all mourning a loss; whether its a person or an opportunity or a missed conversation. We are all in mourning.
I have experienced a labyrinth of emotions. I can’t even describe it as a rollercoaster of emotions because a rollercoaster has a beginning and an end; it has a pattern, despite the highs and lows, you know it will come to a head but what I’ve experienced or what I am experiencing is an endless sea…a never ending melting pot of everything. Don’t get me wrong; I am at peace. It’s just sprinkled with a little grief.

Whether its PTSD, burn out or emotional exhaustion, its been a lot to say the least. I have had to learn how to swim, to keep peddling and pushing against the current and the one thing that has become abundantly clear to me, the whole point of this post, is that I survived. I look back and I see all I achieved through the grace of God and I am grateful. Sometimes we tend to be so hard on ourselves; we put so much pressure on what we must achieve and what we need to do to be successful and we forget to count the small things and as the saying goes; the small things are usually the big things.

I looked back on the last three years and I can genuinely smile, knowing I’ve achieved and done things that I didn’t think I could.
It’s been turbulent and chaotic and frustrating and agonizing.
It’s been confusing and at times I’ve been left with more questions than answers.
I’ve been down on my knees in prayer, I’ve felt the spirit of God in my most vulnerable state and I’ve cried with the rain and it has all shown me that I’ve lived and that I continue to live

I hope you are able to look back on this year or the last few years of your life and be filled with gratitude and the knowledge that you too have lived.

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Do you realize that time never stops?
It’s always moving.
Sometimes it flutters by like a butterfly
And other times it strolls past, in no rush
With all at ease.
But it is always moving forward.
Even when we don’t.
Especially when we don’t.
Time keeps moving.
It truly waits for no one
It doesn’t check or looks back
To see if you’re following or keeping up
It doesn’t shout back and tells you to hurry up.
Time is it’s own master

And you can either be it’s slave
Or it’s partner

It feels no pity for you
It doesn’t share in your joy when you make it
It doesn’t get angry when you ask it to wait or slow down
Time is determined
It is disciplined
It is silent in its dominance
It knows nothing of excuses or procrastination
It changes days and seasons
It moves with purpose and answers to no one
Time has no attachments
It does not love
It does not own
It does not desire
And in that lies it’s power.

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If you believe that you are working and walking in the will of God and if you believe that everything you are doing and experiencing is part of a bigger God-ordained plan for your life, then you must know that nothing is by chance.
Everything you’re doing and experiencing; the ladders you are climbing and the opportunities that are coming your way and every door that you walk through, every meeting you attend, every person you meet, every place where you find yourself, it is all part of God’s will and purpose for your life.
Nothing is a coincidence. Nothing is by chance. Everything is anointed and should be treated as such.
If that is truly what you believe and what you know, then you should take nothing for granted.
You should set your mind on things above. You should treat every meeting, every person you come in contact with, every opportunity, and every level of access you acquire as if it is coming directly from above. Directly from God.
Because again, if you’re tapped into the vision God has given you and the messages from God, it most likely will come to pass and you need to make sure that you are always prepared.
For this reason, you always need to be filled with the Holy Spirit. You always need to remember what the root core of everything that you are doing, is. You need to be in the Spirit at all times.
If you haven’t finished your mission, why are you asleep? Why are you wasting your own time?
Why are you not meditating on the Word or in the Spirit?
Why are you playing games?
Have you done what God has called you to do?
Are you really done?
Never mind what everyone else is doing; keep to your business unless God tells you to involve another.
Pray over everything.
Consult God about everything.
We are not merely here to live and then die.
We have a purpose and a mission and it’s our responsibility to pursue that.

Originally published in 2019 on my Medium platform

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Everything beautiful is what I desire
Walking on the beach, shoes in hand
A sunset or sunrise peeking over the horizon
Rainy days in a warm library
I smell old and lovely books before I even turn their pages
Long walks with no destination but everywhere to explore
Fields of wildflowers, long stretches of open land
And the purest of air I can breath
I desire to get away from the hustle and bustle
The concrete jungle, if you will
I want to create snow angels and see thousands of stars
Shine back at me as I lay on fresh-cut grass
The life I desire is simple
Close but somehow still out of reach
It is everything beautiful
Mountainous views that seem as if they reach right up to heaven
It is almost like it is God’s footstool
Everything Beautiful
Everything that brings peace, serenity, love and joy
That is what my heart desires.