Spirituality

girl, sitting, jetty

LIVING IN A PERPETUAL STATE OF SADNESS

IT DOESN’T SEEM TO END, DOES IT?


Every single day we hear or read about someone dying. They become a number in the statistics and leave a hole in the hearts of people who loved them.
Every single day when we hear of someone losing their lives; whether to Covid-19 or something else, our hearts break a little more.
You don’t need to know the person who has died. You simply need to have a sense of humanity and compassion to know that somewhere in the world, someone is left reeling from the death of a loved one.

The entire world is sad. We feel it all around us and see it on the news, we hear it from strangers. We see it in the tear-filled eyes of our friends. Some of us live it daily. It doesn’t seem to end.


As I write this, I’m sitting in my kids’ bedroom, on the floor and the picture of my late mother is right in front of me. I moved it to their bedroom a couple of nights ago because my 6-year-old daughter was crying in her bed. After all, she was missing her Ouma. She too, is sad, having lost her grandmother just over a year ago.

woman sitting on wooden planks
Photo by Keenan Constance on Pexels.com


The sadness seeps into our lives, our work, creativity, our ability or lack thereof to be in social settings. It’s in our bodies and minds as we lay on the couch, watching yet another episode of a Netflix series that ends up adding to the melancholy.
You might think this post is so depressing but, the truth is, we are all living in a perpetual state of sadness. Denying that will do no good to anyone. It’s okay to be sad, don’t dismiss anyone’s feelings simply because it doesn’t fit into the narrative of the day.


But just because we are sad doesn’t mean we can’t have hope.

dandelion, flower, plant

12 THINGS I’VE LEARNED IN THE LAST YEAR

Earlier today: It’s Saturday afternoon, the house is quiet, the wind is howling outside, keeping the sun company. It seems like a good time to reflect on the last year.

I’m braiding my hair and thinking about this time of year. Last year (2020) we lost our mother. It was a Friday and she died in a car on her way to the clinic, my then boyfriend (now husband) right next to her. A shift happened then and a shift is happening now. My husband, sick with Covid-19 and myself, also sick but I haven’t tested for Covid-19 at the time of this post but we’re treating the situation as if I am sick with Covid too. Though I feel strong enough to clean the house and make sure we have something to eat, I still don’t really feel like myself.

REFLECTION

All these health issues have done a very good job of distracting me from what day it is. The day my mother died. I’m not feeling incredibly sad or melancholic when I think about it; I feel a sense of peace, maybe even gratitude, that we as a family have been able to make it through the last 12 months in one piece and then some. We had an addition to the family with my niece, we had a wedding and we had the birth of our company. Those are quite huge life milestones. It just goes to show that life really does go on after the death of a loved one, at least if you let it.

Still in the quiet of the house, I wonder to myself, why is it that these shifts or life-changing events seemed to have happened around the same time for the past 2 years and I can’t help but wonder will something else happen next year around this time? I also don’t really want to question why these things are happening and happening in the way they are and around the time they are. I understand that no one truly knows the inner workings of time so I simply want to breath and say, “Thank you Lord” .

sol, nature, gratitude
Have an attitude of gratitude

GRATEFUL

Something that has really stood out for me during this time of isolation over the past several days, is the kindness of people; everyone we care about checking in on us and bringing us food. That especially has reminded me of the week when my mother died; everyone brought us food and groceries so that we didn’t still have to worry about that. I’m really grateful to all the people who have come through for us during this time.

flowers. roses. love
Flowers from my friend Reesha.

With that said, I’d like to share 12 things I’ve learned in the last 12 months since my mother died.

  1. It’s okay not to feel in control.
  2. You can cry whenever and wherever you need to.
  3. Change will always come, don’t fight it.
  4. Nothing ever goes the way we expect or plan, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be prepared.
  5. It’s okay to feel the ‘bad’ feelings; fear, sadness, anger, frustration ect.
  6. You won’t always succeed at everything you take on and that’s okay.
  7. You are allowed to want to be alone.
  8. Grief throws you into an unending spiral of self-confrontation.
  9. Cooking or baking is therapeutic.
  10. Love is all there is. It will get you through your darkest nights and brightest days.
  11. Don’t waste the time you have. You won’t get a refund.
  12. Live well.

sunrise, boat, rowing boat

STEPPING DIFFERENTLY THROUGH PURPOSE

You step differently when you walk in your purpose.
You feel stronger and more confident. You know that when you have challenges, you are ready to face them and you don’t let it get you down because you know it is all part of the plan.

Your spirit is calm and your soul is at peace because you know and believe that where you are is all part of God’s calling for your life.

You become kinder and more compassionate.
You are filled with understanding and you are not led by your feelings but by your spirit.
You don’t go where the world goes.
You understand the importance of being patient and walking your road alone with God as your only companion.

I love this feeling that I am experiencing; I am confident in the grace and glory that God has placed over me.
It took me a long time to get here and I know I am only in the beginning stages but I am trusting the process.
I am not trying to be in control, I am letting God work and the weight that it takes off my shoulders is magnificent.

When I look back on my life, I am grateful that I submitted and surrendered.

I smile now and my smile is genuine.
When I feel tired, I know where to turn.
When I feel lost and confused, I turn to the Word.

I am walking in my purpose and I know what is coming next will be more challenging and it will test me but I am ready because I walk with God.

That glow that you see is not good skin or good health.
That glow is the light of God that shines in me and through me.

writing, hand, notes

A WRITER’S PRAYER

Lord, Your word says,

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will establish your plans” — Proverbs 16 vs 3

I come to You today committing the work of my hands to You.

You Lord, have given me with the gift to write but today I am struggling Lord.

I have no fresh ideas, I don’t have the will to write, I feel lazy and discouraged.

I humbly come to You father and I ask for Your help.

Please fill me with Your presence and the will to work Lord.

Help me to do what You have planned for me to do so that I may bring glory to Your kingdom.

Take over my mind and heart and soul and may fresh anointed ideas spring from me like living waters.

Plant in me the seed that will produce Your good works Lord.

Give me the ability and the will to tap into the supernatural power that You have already placed in me

To send a message to Your people through the works of my hands.

Through the talent and gift of writing and words that You have given me.

I commit all that I do to You Father God.

My hands and my mind where ideas and inspiration flow Lord.

The message that I try to get out to the world through what I write, I commit it all to you.

Thank you, Father, that You chose me for this mission and I ask for Your guidance and wisdom as I continue on this journey and this path Lord.

I commit my life to You lay everything at Your feet and I ask you to take over Abba Father.

And in the mighty and beautiful name of Jesus, I declare today that I have no fear, doubt, or insecurities in my mind about the mission that You have assigned to me, Lord.

No weapon of laziness or tardiness or lack of motivation shall prosper against me Father, for You dwell within me and because You dwell within me

I can do anything because Christ, Your son, gives me strength.

I say thank you Lord that I can come to You and pray this prayer and I say thank You, Father.

Thank You for Your favour and anointing over my life and over the lives of everyone I hold dear.

I pray this in the wonderful and powerful name of Jesus Christ, 

Amen.

eye, creative, galaxy

FOR THE CREATIVES

This is for the creatives.

The musicians.

The writers and poets.

The painters and artists.

For the ideas that grow in your mind. the struggle between real and imaginary.

For the passion that feeds your soul and the constant hive of activity in your head and the familiar itch of your hand for a pen.

For being misunderstood and for being seen as strange, odd or weird..

This is for you, sitting in a dark room painting pictures with your words.

This for you, playing your acoustic to a melody only you can hear.

This is for you, creating images no one can understand.

This is for you.

The creators of visual chemistry.

The designers of untold stories.

The architects of new worlds.

This is for you.

For seeing beauty in disaster and finding treasures in rubble.

For losing sleep while others are dreaming about your words and humming your tunes in their slumber.

Creatives,

We are the source of life behind someone’s smile.

We are the trigger of a memory behind someone’s tears.

We are the bond between separated lovers.

And the force that binds a mother to her child.

We are everywhere.

Creatives,

This is for you.

For the daydreams and nightmares that are the seed of your art.

For the pain you turn into beauty.

For thriving on the misery of rejection and making it your conquered mountain.

For the bravery you possess to share your truth.

This is for you.

work, wait, waiting on God

WORK WHILE YOU WAIT

What does that mean?

It means that while you wait for God to give you a sign as to which direction your life has to take, you work.

You work on yourself and your career.

You work on your family and your relationships.

You work on strengthening your mind and your body.

You work on your spiritual self.

Work on the now.

You work on what you can control and let God the do rest.

You don’t sit around and wait for things to happen.

Don’t focus on what everyone else is doing.

Don’t compare your success to that of others.

Don’t be discouraged when things don’t happen immediately.

Just keep working.

Then rest.

Then continue working.

poppies, field, sunset, bloom, seasons

SEASONS.

We are all in different seasons of our lives. It might not be the season you want to be in but right now, it is your season.

It’s the one you need.

Winter doesn’t shy away after the warm months have gone when it’s her turn to wrap us in a cold cocoon.

Autumn doesn’t become sad when the leaves turn from green to yellow to brown.

Spring patiently waits her turn to release her cherry blossoms after months of being in hiding.

This is your time to grow, to plant seeds for the next season.

To sow and to harvest.

You cannot skip it or avoid it.

You can’t get to the next season without getting through your current season.

There is a time for everything.

You cannot watch others bloom when it is their time and be upset because the same thing is not happening to you at that very moment.

Nothing in nature works that way; no flower keeps watch over another flower.

It simply blooms.

When its time has come, its petals fall to the ground and it does so with grace and elegance.

Its petals do not force their way back onto the stem.

Bloom when it is your time.

A flower grows where it is planted, where it is born, between weeds or between concrete.

It makes its surroundings beautiful.

Make your surroundings beautiful.

You have a purpose now, right where you are. No matter the season.

Whether your current season is five days, ten weeks, or 15 years, you need to submit and commit yourself to it.

If you believe God placed you here, know that it was with a purpose in mind.

Everything happens for a reason.

The hard part is being patient.

Kimberly Fray

Kimberly is a writer, blogger and poet. She is married to musician Jared Fray and they live in Johannesburg, South Africa with their two children.
Kimberly has had several of her poems published in poetry journals and also works as a news producer.