Kimberly Fray

tears, sadness, grief

TEARS

Tears
My tears are not hot and dry
they are not hidden behind my eyes
or stuck in my throat
They are an overwhelming ocean
a riptide of emotion
My tears are powerful and visible
for all to see
They dare not hide
My tears are ever present
Always available
I am never without
My tears are worthy of
accolades and applause
My tears are not forced or fake
They are real and organic
Constantly flowing
ravaging whatever stands in its way
My tears have a life of its own
Ever present and commanding
Causing you to turn your head when
they make their presence known

This poem was originally published by Quillkeepers Press in the Rearing in the Rearview poetry Anthology.

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EVENTUALLY

It’s going to hurt until it no longer does.
It’s going to tear at you and pull you apart
Until you learn to put yourself together again.
Eventually all this will just become a distant memory.
Eventually the pain will disappear.
Your hands will stop shaking.
You will breathe again.
Eventually
You’ll stop searching and start appreciating.
You’ll stop waiting and wishing.
You’ll stop regretting and start living.
Eventually you’ll stop blaming yourself and start forgiving yourself,
Eventually.
It might not happen today.
But it’ll happen,
Eventually.

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DON’T LEAVE THIS WORLD UNTOUCHED

I don’t want to lie on my deathbed someday; whether that eventually is thirty or forty years or three weeks from now; and be buried underneath all my regrets. 

I need to create.

I need to leave something that will live long after I’ve left this earth.

I question whether anyone will remember me for what I’ve left behind and if it is even important. 

I want to spend every day of my life creating and as I sit here writing this, I feel myself becoming emotional; tears run down my cheeks and I know, without a shadow of a doubt that this is truly my calling.

I need to create.

In the same way I need to breath.

I need to create something out of nothing.

I need to fill blank pages with my sorrows, worries, and fears and turn it into something beautiful to share with others.

I need to express my thoughts and dreams and connect with others.

And that is ultimately why I need to create, why I need to write. Why my life needs to be an open book.

I need to build a bridge between my fears and another’s loneliness.

I want to leave breadcrumbs in the form of poetry and stories so that someone else can find their way and their voice.

I need to share my life so that another person can be brave enough to share their story.

It is my calling.

My purpose.

Every day that passes that I do not write, express or create, feels truly wasted. On those days I feel as if I’ve betrayed my calling. I have wasted an entire day not living as I should.

I feel as if I did not live at all.

Even when I’ve tried to avoid it, when I’ve tried to ignore it. When I told myself it wasn’t important, there was always this nagging feeling inside me, tugging at me, pushing me in a certain direction.

And I knew, it was futile trying to turn my back on it; I am an artist. I am a creative.

You may not always understand what I create, you may not always enjoy what I share and you may even mock and laugh at me but that will only encourage me more.

Knowing that I am an artist, reminds me that I must create every day. It is not just a calling but it is also a responsibility.

Writing is an art; the blank page is my canvas, words are my paint and the world and this life is my muse.

What you finally see before you; is my work of art.

My gift to you.

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TUESDAY

It’s another Tuesday
Another week in, another one is on its way out
Another day feeling like the day before
I wear tiredness like an oversized coat;
heavy but somehow keeps the cold out
but the truth is, the cold is not on my skin
It lives in my bones, runs through my veins
I breathe it out
my feet drag, and my eyes burn
sleep is not my friend
It’s another day, much of the same as the days before
They tend to run into one another,
tripping over one another
clumsy and flimsy
Like me
No day is the same
Just as I am not the same
but yet,
It is and I am
It’s another day
Just another Tuesday

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TEMPTATION TO FALL BACK INTO SIN

It’s very easy to fall back into sin; to fall back into your old habits before you gave your life to Christ. The thing is, you need to know and admit your weaknesses. You need to know what tempts you the most and what was your carnal sin before Christ and then when you know it, you do everything to fight it and not fall back into the trap of the enemy.

I shouldn’t even say the enemy. Sometimes we give the devil too much credit. Sometimes our weaknesses and us falling off the wagon is simply due to lack of self-control.

Sometimes its just us being selfish and curious and we think, if no one knows, it doesn’t matter. But it does matter, because God sees.

It becomes very convicting; that feeling of knowing you are doing something wrong but you just can’t help yourself. It’s a heaviness and when you give your life to Christ, that heaviness and that burden and that sin is lifted, so why do we turn back to the thing that Jesus saved us from?

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say ‘no’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and Godly lives in this present age”

Titus 2 vs 11-12

Because it’s easier than becoming the person God needs us to be.

It’s familiar and in a way, it’s comfortable.

We can say we repent of our sins but repenting means not going back to the sin you are leaving at the feet of God. We can’t keep going back and forth and live an unstable life in Christ. We can’t have one foot in heaven and another foot in the world. It doesn’t work that way. We cannot serve two masters.

The one you give the most attention to and the one you spend more time on, will be the one that will dominate.

So are you spending more time in sin or more time with God?

I don’t want to go back to the person I used to be before I gave my life to Christ. I was lost and confused and I was hurt and I was hurting people. I was inconsiderate and I felt like I had no purpose. I didn’t know who I was. With God, I know exactly who I am. I don’t want to backtrack and I don’t want to live a life of sin.

So I pray, I ask God to deliver me from my temptations. I repent and I ask God for forgiveness. I pray that God will keep me on the straight and narrow and that I will be an honest, loving and compassionate person.

Yes, I will continue to sin but I never want the sin to become who I am. I never want it to overshadow my life in Christ.

“For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and self-control”

2 Timothy 1 vs 7

Motherless, child, Grief

A MOTHERLESS CHILD

I used to sit on my mother’s lap

Out on the balcony

Watching cars go by

Talking about nothing and everything

She used to stroke my hair

With her aging hands

Or clean my ears with a bobby pin

I could have sat there for hours

I miss being her child

Her youngest daughter

My sisters would tease me, saying I’m spoilt

And her favourite

I would frown, scrunch my nose at them but

Really,

It brought me pure joy

Now I am a motherless daughter

With a daughter of my own

Needing my mother

more than I ever could have ever known

I miss her

I miss my mother every day

I swallow tears and try to ignore the lump

In my throat

Sitting there like a constant reminder of what I lost

I guess it is true what they say

Grief never leaves you

You don’t outgrow it

You simply grow around it.

comfort room, hospitals, life

THE COMFORT ROOM

Sitting in what they call a comfort room after 8 in the morning

I’m watching the door to the theatre

Watching the clock

The comfort room brings little comfort

It’s cold and a lone window is before me covered in blinds

The wall covered in words such as

Harmonious

Healed

Natural

Marvellous

Free

Safe

Happy

Peaceful

Healing

Aware

Conscious

Healthy

comfort room, words, hospitals

All words meant to bring comfort but the irony

Does not miss me

It’s quiet sitting here

Save for the sounds of the machines somewhere in the hospital

And the wheels on the cold tile floors

I feel far away from him

Not knowing what is happening behind that closed theatre door

It holds my heart

And I am locked out of it

I don’t have the access or the authorisation

I watch the door like a predator stalking its prey

Waiting to pounce the minute I see him being wheeled out that room

To take his hands in mine

Kiss his lips

To see his eyes see mine

door, comfort room, hospitals

The only comfort this empty room brings

Is the chance to be with my own thoughts

To allow my inner turmoil to run free and

Keep me company during this time

I fear looking away from the door

I fear I might miss him and never see him again.

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WHAT MADE YOU SO ANGRY?

Was my skin too dark for you?

Was my hair too coarse for you?

Was my voice too loud for you?

Could you not handle the dip in my hips

or the valleys of my bosom?

Were you angry because you couldn’t dance to the beat

of our African drums or

click to the song we sang so effortlessly?

What was it about us that made you so angry that you decided to

land on our shores and claim what was not yours? 

Was it that we could grow food by simply laying our hands on the ground?

Was it that we grew corn and wheat and fed families without any hindrance?

Was it that we took skin and made clothes?

Tell me, what was it?

Was it our diverse nature and beauty that offended you?

Or was it our resilience?

Was it the strength of our mothers and the power of our fathers

which made you fear?

Was it the look of determination in our eyes as we stared you down

which made you quiver and quake and then take a gun and shove it down our throats?

Was it that we were born of the sun and the earth, a people so natural?

Was it that you couldn’t control us that made you decide to kill us?

Tell me, what was it?

Was it that no matter how hard you tried to make us a

speck in the history books, every page is still filled with the

cries of our ancestors and the stories are still being written to this day?

Go on, tell me.

What made you so angry?

San rock art, writing on the wall, history

THE WRITING ON THE WALL

The writing’s on the wall;

stones and sticks and clay and bricks

tell the stories of our history

written in blood and sweat and thousands of tears

I sit in the quiet of the memory hall,

feeling my throat close up and tears start to flow;

how could it be that a people like me

were treated like less than dirt under my feet

I read about how they painted in song

and wrote stories on stone walls, making their

voices known as only they could

dreams shared by entire generations

almost wiped out by white skinned men

who came from afar on a ship with flags

and guns and bibles and a foreign tongue

We watched you from the shore, we

greeted you and welcomed you with

smiles and meals

You smiled back, the greed showing on your gnashing teeth

On our sacred land, where we were born free

they came and beat us, chained us and took what was ours

made us pay for what we farmed and what we sowed

Our mothers and fathers watered the soil with their blood

from it grew the bones of ancestors

the bones we used to make bows and arrows and

found ourselves fighting for land that was ours to begin with

I am an African! I can hear the screams

I am of this earth, and of this sky and of this land

I am an African!

From the earth we were born

sold as slaves as a child

We are also human they say

while they tie us to a donkey, a horse

the heartbeat of the earth beating beneath our bare feet

The only sign we are still alive

You struck us, you tried to belittle us

you put a price on our humanity

but we rose up ; we marched and we fought back

And now we are here

Telling the stories you tried to make us forget

But we have not forgotten and

we will beat the drums

and sing the songs and

write the stories of our heritage

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THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH

The past 6 weeks have been completely exhausting for me. Work has been a non-stop rollercoaster, the start of the new school year for our kids have been hectic and getting our business set up for the new year has also been extremely demanding. It’s definitely taken a physical and mental toll on me. I’ve been feeling fragile, emotional, my body aches everywhere and I just feel so overwhelmed. But God is good.

This morning as my husband drove me to work; we were listening to worship music in the car.

One particular song moved me.

‘Because of who You Are’ by Vicki Yohe.

The lyrics are so simple yet so powerful. It speaks not of what God does for us but it glorifies Him simply because He is God. I found myself lifting my hands up in worship during the car ride, singing along and I felt God’s Spirit strengthen me. I felt so happy and joyful and strong when I got out of the car. Despite my physical self not being in line with my spirit; I still felt like I can tackle another day of work and get through it because the joy of the Lord strengthens me.

I want to encourage you today; if you are feeling broken, exhausted, if you are struggling mentally and emotionally and you feel like you have nowhere to turn, turn to Jesus. He is ever present, He is always available to you. You don’t need to make an appointment; pray where you are. Seek Him where you are. I feel so much joy that I can’t keep it to myself.

Joshua 1 v 9

“Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

I want to leave you with a few scriptures that encourage me and help me to remember that I am never alone and when I feel hopeless, helpless and just worn down, that God will lift me up.

Psalm 121:1-2

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

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Nehemiah 8:10

“Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Isaiah 41:10

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 40:29

“He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.”

Phillippians 4:13

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

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Isaiah 40:31

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Psalm 46:1-3

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.”

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